Say it like it is

Why don’t we say things as they are? Why don’t we say what we mean instead of coding our message? Why do we always complicate things? We spend so much effort trying to figure out what other people mean when they tell you something. Wouldn’t life be easier if a yes is a yes and a no is a no? Get rid of the maybes and the ambiguity?

One great relief I feel from not being having a regular job at the moment is that I don’t have that constant mental process running that tries to figure out what my coworkers might be thinking.

But there is no escaping ambiguity. It is everywhere.

“I will get back to you”

I was interviewing for a job, a first interview to see if there was a potential match. The hiring manager concluded the interview with a promise to get back to me in a couple of weeks. I answered politely, sure, I’m not in a hurry. But clearly, if you need several weeks to figure out if you want to proceed with a candidate, then either you are just being polite, or you are so slow at taking decisions that it will not be great working there. 

He has not returned yet. I got the message.

“I don’t have time”

The electrician replied politely, I don’t have time right now. It was not the most interesting job. I had bought new lamps for our house extension, the winter garden we call it. Technically it is outdoors and by regulation I am not allowed to install them myself. Realistically, it is a task that I can do myself, not as nice, but safe and functional. 

I didn’t want the hassle of figuring out the details myself so I contacted my local electrician. I have used him every now and then. I offered him to pick a time most convenient for him.

Clearly he didn’t want to do it. Why didn’t he just set a price that was so high that I would choose not to proceed? I cursed and bought the cables and components I needed. Fixed it with an extra trip to the hardware store. Not as nice as he would have done it but it got done.

He got back two weeks later. I kindly answered that I had found a solution. Of course I didn’t tell him that I had done it myself.

“Tomorrow”

The plumber answered, “tomorrow”. They were renovating one of our bathrooms. I asked if he could look at the dishwasher installation in the kitchen as well. We had changed the dishwasher just after moving in and I had connected it myself. Not perfectly done but it worked. So I wanted a professional to check when they were in the house anyway.

At first I took his answer literally. That he would come back the day after and we would look at it. I was puzzled, as tomorrow was a Saturday. So maybe he meant Monday. After a while I realised he had meant “not know, I’m busy”. He was just being polite. Months later they came back with an offer. I declined. Maybe some other time.

Sales training

I raise my kids to the fine art of not saying things directly.

My daughter knows now that when I say “tomorrow”, it doesn’t literally mean tomorrow. Or “later”. It simply means “not now” without a commitment that it will actually happen. I do it with a smile thought. Sometimes when she asks, I’m doing something else. Sometimes I just need to lay on the couch a little while longer. Or the message is, if it is important enough for you that you will remind me at a later time, then I will help you make it happen. My daughter is now a trained sales person. She knows how to persuade her dad.

When I call that dinner is ready, my wife answers, “I’m coming.” It means “I’ve heard you, but I’m doing something else and will come when I am done.” Kids have learned this phrase too. 

Saying it like it is

I’ve had five jobs in seven years after moving to Stockholm. I stayed with my first company for 17 years, the company that I joined just after graduating from university. Now, not so much. I resigned three times and was let go twice since moving up here.

Recruiters ask why I left my last job. It’s complicated. I burned out from stress at my two latest positions. I usually don’t say that directly. Instead I say that I didn’t like to do support, I didn’t like to do bid management. It’s also true. I need a safe environment with clear goals that I can work towards on a longer time scale. Like in product development.

I have decided to take a good long summer holiday. Enjoy life with kids, wife, and dog. Travel, meet up with friends. Work on hobby projects like Gotlandia. Do home renovation projects. Stay fit. I’m in better shape than I have been in a long time. Luckily we have the finances to allow me to do  this.

I will return to the game of job hunting after summer. Applicants seeking fortune and glory in the corporate mines of Software Utopia. Guarded by online recruiters. You need to say the magic phrase. Show how passionate, competent, and diligent you are. Pretending to care immensely about solving someone else’s problems. Being excellent at saying things politely to not offend anyone. 

But for now I will say things as they are. I’m not available until after summer. Unless of course a great job opportunity comes along. Then I’m ready. There is no escaping ambiguity.